Interludes: In Pursuit of Patience

One of my clearest memories from middle school and high school is of my dad driving my sister and me to school. Nearly every morning for eight years my sister and I (before she graduated) would load up into his Honda Pilot with our lunchboxes and backpacks. Nearly every morning for eight years we would watch our dad spill coffee on himself and gripe about radio hosts that were too talkative. And nearly every morning for eight years my dad would pray with us in the car. My memory is not so good as to remember each of his prayers specifically, but I do remember that he almost always prayed for patience.

There's a joke in Christian circles that takes different forms but essentially boils down to: "Don't pray for patience, or God might give it to you!" Though it's a joke, I think many people agree with the attitude it expresses, whether they realize it or not. It's easy to see patience as more of a "necessary evil" rather than a true reward of growth.

Patience is a spiritual virtue commended throughout the Bible, but it is also recognized as a helpful psychological tool. In research studying the correlation between patience and wellbeing, Dr. Sarah A. Schnitker, an associate professor of psychology at Baylor University, found that having patience was consistently linked with signs of wellbeing in participants—things like goal achievement, life satisfaction, and happiness.

Sometimes passivity and apathy can be mistaken for patience, but being patient is not the same thing as doing nothing. In her paper, Schnitker defined patience as "the propensity of a person to wait calmly in the face of frustration, adversity, or suffering." We have to choose to respond patiently when faced with obstacles that we can't (or shouldn't) hurry along, whether in the short term or the long term.

The really great thing about patience (in my opinion) is that it's something all of us can grow in, not something determined by our genetic makeup or personality traits. I believe that the interludes of our lives offer some of the best training ground to develop patience as we wait for what's next. Growing in patience doesn't come easily, though, and there are some obstacles we need to watch out for that can hinder that growth.

1. DOUBT 

Back in the fall, as I was considering various options for my future, I was faced with a decision between two very different paths. I had the opportunity to spend a year abroad as a short-term worker with a mission organization, or I could stay in the U.S. and try to begin a career here. After a lot of thinking and praying and talking it over with others, I decided to turn down the overseas opportunity. Now, months down the road, I still struggle with a needling doubt in the back of my mind: what if I made the wrong choice?

Doubt is quick to slip into the cracks of our thinking when we're trying to practice patience, challenging our resolve to continue waiting instead of desperately trying to grab the reins and gain some semblance of control. In order to follow through with patience, we must be willing to face doubt and answer to its questions.

It can be difficult to find rock-solid answers for our doubt because it so often zeroes in on the things we're most unsure of. But, as a Christian, I take comfort in knowing that there is no way I can mess up God's plan for my life because He's the one in control of it. Even if I think I made the wrong decision back in the fall (which, for the record, I don't), I know that God can get me where I need to be.

2. DISCOURAGEMENT

Discouragement, much like doubt, attacks our confidence and resolve to accomplish what we've set out to do. Rather than highlight the uncertainties or unknowns, though, discouragement tends to draw from what we can see, such as failure or a lack of expected results. Discouragement looks at what we have (or haven't) accomplished and prompts us to jump to the conclusion that we'll never be able to get where we want to go, so why even bother trying?

There are many resources out there on how to deal with discouragement (a quick Google search pulled more than 3.9 million results on the topic), but in my experience there's really one thing that it boils down to: at some point, you've got to get out of your head. Different tactics work for different people, and it may take you a while to find what works for you, but even just by continuing to try you'll be fighting the discouragement.

3. DISTRACTION

My first response upon being told that I'll unexpectedly have to wait for something (beyond the initial flash of frustration) is usually to find something with which to distract myself. Whether it's my phone, a book, a TV show, or something else entirely, I tend to find something that will soothe my impatience. And though I may be waiting with an appearance of patience, I don't think turning to distractions to fill the time really makes me that much more patient.

I won't dwell too long on it here as I suspect I will dedicate much more space to it in the future, but I believe distraction is one of the major obstacles of growth in our time, especially when it comes to patience. In an age of instant gratification, we have been conditioned to need things to fill the time so that we never face an ounce of boredom or discomfort if we don't want to. Constantly giving into the desire to be distracted puts us in danger of thinking we're patient people, when we're really just distracted people.

(Note: I'm not talking about using waiting time to take care of responsibilities or get things done. There's a difference between making wise use of our down time and giving in to the desire to be distracted from anything that tests our patience. I'm talking about the latter.)

I don't remember when I first started to notice it, but throughout the years of sitting in the car listening to my dad pray for patience I saw an actual change in him, and in myself. We both became more patient people, bit by bit, circumstance by circumstance because we started paying attention to our impatience. It's something that I'm still grateful for, years later.

We don't cultivate patience in our lives by accident. When faced with situations that test the threshold of our patience, it is an active choice that allows us to exercise patience rather than passivity. I've been relearning the lesson I learned in the car all those years ago: to willingly accept those opportunities to have my impatience tested, so that hopefully I'll be a little more patient by the time I reach the next page of my life's story.